Lemon Pepper Ruined My Would-Be Marriage

2 mins read

Lemon pepper

I hate lemon pepper.  It knows good and damn well why I hate it, too.

Out of all the spice blends, I detest this offender the most.  I’d like to tell myself it’s because of the artificial, metallic taste it imparts on whatever you sprinkle it on but, if I’m honest, I can trace my disdain all the way back to my college days.  College really tests the mettle of any budding foodie or home cook–you’re forced to scarf down Oliver Twist-like gruel in the cafeteria or get creative with a hot pot, some ramen noodles, and an accompanying packet of MSG-laden ‘seasoning’.  If you were fortunate enough to live in a dorm that had a “kitchen” (I am using that term very loosely), you might have gotten a chance to show off your imagined culinary skills with the one pan you owned and your set of plastic utensils from Target.  (Don’t act like you don’t remember.)

I graduated from college 10 years ago–before the days of co-ed dorms so having a guy cook for you involved a series of MacGyver-like maneuvers like propping open the building’s side door with a brick or, for us first floor dwellers, leaving your window unlocked so your Chef Boyardee could uncermemoniously climb in.  Romantic, isn’t it?  One evening in my senior year, my then boyfriend offered to come over to my dorm and whip up dinner; I obliged, reasoning that if he was willing to climb through a window like a cat burglar with an armful of groceries, surely dinner was going to be a grand affair.  Later that night, he showed up at my window with a flimsy plastic spatula, an equally flimsy pan, a package of chicken breasts, and his secret weapon: a 32-ounce container of lemon pepper.

Like rats in a maze, we surreptitiously navigated the hallways, keeping an eye out for the ever-present RA, careful not to speak a word as we tiptoed to the kitchen.  Once inside, we shut and locked the door and he began his rather weak mise en place which consisted of a quick rinse (too quick, if you ask me) of the chicken–all the while bragging about his unmatched culinary skills.  I watched in silent horror as he seasoned and seasoned and seasoned the chicken breasts until they were a sickening sunshine yellow color, barely recognizable.  As the poor faux yellow birds met their unsavory demise in the frying pan, he turned around and smiled at me–even had the nerve to wink–as I contemplated how I was going to consume a forkful of the lemon peppered mess.

After the chicken had reduced to about a third of its original size after having been cooked to hell, he proudly slapped a plate in front of me and stood there watching, gauging my reaction.  I took a bite and tasted aluminum–as if I had licked the side of a Coke can.  The second bite wasn’t much better except that time it tasted as if I had licked the side of a Coke can and then sucked on a lemon.  He was pleased.  I was disgusted.  He reached across the table in an attempt to hold my hand.  I recoiled.  He asked me something but I was too busy complaining about my now-numb tongue.

He asked me a question just as I yelled something about having a metallic taste in one’s mouth is the first sign of a stroke.

He repeated his question.  I rattled off stroke statistics.

He got down on his knee.  I got up from the table.

He got up and threw a small box on the table and stormed out.  I later opened it and discovered the most gorgeous ring I’d ever seen.

I tried, but it was too late for apologies.  A proposal was ruined.  An engagement obliterated.  Damn you, lemon pepper.  Damn you.

Nominated for the Epikur Writer of the Year Award by Epikur Magazine

Vote for this story by visiting http://www.winelust.com/philly/epikur2012/

Food + travel writer | Author of Food Lovers' Guide to Philadelphia and Main Squeeze: Juicing Recipes for Your Healthiest Self

16 Comments

  1. When I started dating my now husband, he put lemon pepper on everything I cooked and I was completely offended. It took a while for me to realize that it was his palate, not my cooking

    • On everything you cooked?!? Yikes, that would have driven me crazy. 🙂 I know a few people who really like it, but my palate can’t tolerate it.

  2. Hello! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 4! Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the fantastic work!|

      • 🙁 That is so sad. I just can’t believe he was ready to marry you and changed his mind because you couldn’t handle his lemon pepper cooking! Unless this is just dramatized and there were other factors. 🙁

  3. I found this story after Googling, “I hate lemon pepper.” 🙂

    My girlfriend loves lemon-pepper, and I refuse to buy it or cook with it.
    In fact, I’d even told her that lemon pepper reminds me of desperate college cooking.

    If you want lemon pepper, grind up some pepper and squeeze a friggin lemon!

    Thank for the chuckle. And the validation!

    • Hahaha…no, thank YOU. Finally, someone agrees with my hatred of lemon pepper. (Please don’t let it ruin your relationship like it did mine. **smile**)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

About

Welcome to PALATE, your ultimate destination for the modern woman with a passion for food, travel, and lifestyle content. We're here to inspire and provide you with curated culinary experiences, breathtaking travel destinations, and empowering lifestyle stories.

Follow Us

Most Popular

Popular

Authors

Previous Story

How Saveur Can Make You a Kitchen Genius

Next Story

Not the Media’s Mexico: The Culture, Cuisine, & Beauty of Huatulco

Latest from Blog

New York City’s Hottest Drink is…Illegal

The most sought-after cocktail in New York City is not available in any bar. It’s an unlicensed street drink whose creator, a local entrepreneur, is looking to go legit. I caught up with Amseshem Foluke to get the whole story… The day had barely dawned, but the phone’s alarm wailed,…
Sexmuseum Amsterdam

Unusual Museums Around the World

I’ve always been drawn to obscure things; I’ve never been attracted to the normal or what the cool kids were doing. In particular, I enjoy the unusual and the macabre—blame it on an enduring love of the works of Edgar Allan Poe—and I always seem to seek out bizarre and…

10 Things to Do in Havana, Cuba

For most Americans born after the 1958 embargo, Cuba has remained an island of mystery even though it’s only 105 miles off the shore of Key West, Florida. We know very little of Cuba–perhaps only the 3 c’s–Communism, cars, and cigars, but the destination is so much more than that. The island is…
Beautifect Box makeup case

The Best Luxury Makeup Case for Travel

When it comes to traveling, maintaining your beauty routine can often feel like a daunting task. Limited space, rushed schedules, and varying lighting conditions can make it challenging to achieve that flawless look you desire. However, fear not, because Beautifect has revolutionized the way you can bring your beauty essentials…
GoUp